Hi Dolls! Last week I posted a review on the best-selling book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt. The feedback and response were amazing so thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts on his book. However, one gentleman’s comment in particular struck out to me. Mainly because he provided a great perspective from a guy’s point of view, so I decided to make a blog out of it so I can give it the lengthy response it deserves.
I broke up his comments into sections but you can read the full response on the original post below.
SYM= Speak Your Mind
SYM says: “Well some of that stuff mentioned isn’t too true. A guy will break up when he is terrified where things are going (that includes good), or self-sabotage himself because he doesn’t think he is ready to meet the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.”
Girl Unlike Any Other response: This is definitely a possibility and it has happened to me in the past. This is the kind of guy women need to give space to and not continue to pursue. If he breakups with a girl for the reasons you mentioned, Greg says to let him go. Don’t chase after him or beg him to stay. If he comes back after realizing his mistake, fine take him back or give him one more chance. But the point is to let him grow and figure out what he wants on his own and not FORCE him to stay. You can’t force a guy to change his mind. If you do convince him to stay he will resent you for it eventually or worse leave you again. All in all the point is, if he breaks up with you (good or bad intentions) let him go. Do not chase him or beg him to stay. If he comes back, give him one more chance. If he breaks up with you again, say Adios!
SYM says: “A great example is just about every groom wants to back out at some point but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her. When he grabs his bearings and finally realizes why he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and why he loves her.”
Girl Unlike Any Other response: I agree. It is completely normal for a man to have cold feet before getting married, but guess what? We do too, it’s only natural. However, if a guy cancels his engagement or post-pones his wedding because he has to “think about things” this is a clear sign that should not go un-noticed by the other partner involved. If you read the book, Greg praises the fact that women should not chase a man who clearly states he needs his space and time. That is all.
SYM says: “It’s important to realize the influence emotions have over us. They own us if we don’t own them. Every person gets owned by their emotions, I have, you have, everyone, it’s an unavoidable lesson we all need to learn.”
Girl Unlike Any Other response: I absolutely agree. These emotions influence our everyday thoughts, actions, decisions and feelings. Greg emphasizes that these “feelings” are clear signs that most women ignore, clear signs that he just isn’t into us.
SYM says: “A guy that didn’t call in the first week may not have had a chance (rough work week, class schedule, whatever), or he may just have a huge crush on you and just be too anxious to call. Just because a guy waits doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted. Guys freeze up too, and I suffered from this at one point. If I call what will I say? Your mind goes nuts.”
Girl Unlike Any Other response: This book was written and intended for those women who are serious about dating. These women (including myself) do not want to just “attract” any guy- we want THE guy; our future husband, father of our kids. I personally know what I want and need in a guy and this comes from years of dating and experiences. So a shy guy who can’t even make the first move is not one for me. Sorry I’m not sorry. I may have what you call “high standards” but that’s what happens when you grow up and learn from your experiences and mistakes. Not to mention it has kept me from potential heart ache. I’m not going to apologize for finally knowing what I want and need from a man. The last thing these women want to do is waste time on someone who isn’t really into them. The problem is women are ignoring the signs because the momentary want to find “a man” is greater than finding “the Man.” I too have suffered from this because like you mentioned we are easily influenced by emotions and feelings. So much so that we sometimes get off the path that we were intended to be on. Sometimes that leads to heartache.
SYM says: “Just because he is having sex with someone else doesn’t mean he isn’t into you. That is unreal. Men separate sex from intimacy. There is the old saying “Men use intimacy to get sex, women use sex to get intimacy.” There are women I have sex with but I’d give up them for a few women I have a serious crush on, that I have never had sex with. We don’t have similar futures but we do have similar desires, sex. Sometimes we take what we can get simply because we place a woman above ourselves. There are limiting circumstances in other cases(such as dating your friend’s ex) even though both of you guys are obviously attracted with a ton of things in common, similar future, and tons of sexual tension(current situation).”
Girl Unlike Any Other response: Are you serious? “Just because he is having sex with someone else doesn’t mean he isn’t into you.” I cringed when I read that sentence. I think its safe to say that you haven’t read Greg’s book in its entirety so let me give you a rundown. Greg’s book was made for women who are looking for a “Mr. Right” not a Mr. Right now. Although I completely agree that men and women view sex differently, it is also the one thing that will separate the Mr.Wrongs from Mr. Right. A woman who is looking for Mr. Right should not waste her time with a guy who sleeps with other women while he is dating/pursuing her. Mr. Right should be too busy trying to get her attention and taking her out on dates to be sleeping with other women. Not to mention, a guy who sleeps with multiple women says a lot about his character and where he is in life. It’s quite simple: he is not ready for a serious relationship; he isn’t ready for a girl unlike any other. I just feel that if a guy is interested in a future with me he shouldn’t be sleeping with other women. If he wanted to sleep with multiple women then by all means please do so, just don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me again. A real man only romances one woman at a time. Simple as that.
SYM says: I’m not saying that he doesn’t hold some truth, but I want to ask why it is the guys job to pursue? Why aren’t you confident enough to go after what YOU want? I agree you should never blame yourself for lack of interest, but I disagree with giving up without doing anything about it(such as waiting for a text or call), be pro-active. I love when a woman has the confidence to come after me. What’s disappointing is a woman do send a lot of signs but most men are just unaware (“Your missing the signs bro”).
Girl Unlike Any Other response: Is chivalry dead? It’s called being a respectful gentleman. Maybe I’m “old-school” when it comes to little things like waiting for a guy to approach me first, call me first or opening a door for me but it’s a sign of respect and courage, not to mention it’s the right thing to do. We can most certainly do those things ourselves but most women feel men should do those things in the early stages of dating. It’s your chance to shine and win us over. The first things you say and do to a girl is what she will remember you for- and we never forget. Being respectful, loyal and courageous are three key traits that women look for in a man, in their Mr. Right. We will most certainly praise your efforts for doing those things and put in effort ourselves but its key for the man to show this in the early stages of dating. A man who makes the first move or calls first shows his level of interest, character, desire and courage. It’s also called having manners. We do not expect you to do all the work; in fact we enjoy putting in effort as well. The point is, for women chivalry is not dead. We want a man to pursue us, seek us out and follow through on their word. That is not code for chasing us down. Simple things like approaching us first, making that first phone call and asking us out is just the right thing to do. Even the most independent woman needs to feel that she will be taken care of if it ever came to that. Own that, embrace it.
SYM says: Maybe I’m way off the mark, but sometimes it disappoints me that woman don’t realize sometimes we get a girls number, know their attracted, and are still terrified. So we never do anything about it. Realize this we are under the influence of the same emotions you are.
Girl Unlike Any Other response: I realize this wholeheartedly but at the end of the day a woman whose main goal is to find “the one” does not want to date a terrified man who is afraid to approach her and ask her out. The same terrified man could turn out to be the one that has multiple partners, cheats on her because he is afraid of commitment or leaves her at the altar. To be honest, it’s a huge turn off when a guy asks for our number but never follows through or waits weeks to reach out to us. The meaning behind this part of the book is simple: If you ask for her number be a gentleman and follow through on your word. You had enough courage to lay the first brick of trust by asking for her number but it’s not cemented down until you call her and ask her out. After all, actions speak louder than words. Real women do not want to date a guy “who doesn’t do anything about it” we want a guy who is pro-active in following through with his feelings, words and actions. The last thing women want is to be treated “casually” especially when they’re serious about finding Mr. Right and settling down.
I appreciate and respect your comments but we can agree to disagree. As I mentioned earlier, Greg’s book is geared towards women who are trying to find Mr. Right but keep falling for Mr. Wrong. He stresses that the signs “he’s just not that into you’ are clear and simple but all too often women ignore them. I’m all about being pro-active in empowering women to get clear on what they really want and need and only settle for someone who can give them those things. This is what my blog is about and why I choose Greg’s book as a must read for women who are serious about finding Mr. Right. It’s a great guide for women and puts a lot of things in perspective from a man’s point of view. Thank you SYM for sharing your thoughts.