December 21, 2012 was the date we picked to get married, perhaps it was a Freudian slip on my part since I was the one who suggested it, he only agreed. I remember joking around and saying how the world was supposed to end that day so luckily we’d only be hitched for a few hours. There is no longer a wedding to plan; instead, I sit here in my bittersweet solitude contemplating whether or not I should finally take off a certain explicit sign I’ve been wearing on my forehead for almost a year. My last relationship took a toll on me and left me with a little more baggage than I wished. Getting over my ex was not the factor; it was getting over how I allowed him to alter the way I perceived myself.
My relationship with Nathan* started off just like any other, we started off as friends which lead to a courtship which then lead to an engagement. There was a point where I was completely enamored with the way he treated me, he was different from anyone I had ever been with. He went above and beyond to make me happy and I couldn’t ask for more. The relationship seemed very promising and I was getting bored of the dating scene so I let my guard down and just let it be. For a while I thought I was in love and that this was it. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Nathan suddenly felt the need to check my phone and began to have a problem with my male friends. He went as far as prohibiting from hanging out with a select few. If he found texts from guys I was cheating, if he didn’t it was because I was slick and deleted them all before he could get to them. Unfortunately that was only the beginning, next came the name calling. I was constantly being reminded that I was no longer attractive enough for him, he claimed that I was fat and ugly- that I was lucky to have him because he was the best I could do. Obscene and cruel words were a part of our daily interaction. Then came a point in which he would not mind his drinking and he would become aggressive. My dislike for him and the situation we were in grew more and more every day. I had mentally checked out of that relationship at that point and thought it was only a matter of time before we went our separate ways, again, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Nathan proposed! Why I said yes and everything running through my mind will be a blog entry all in itself, but the bottom line was I said yes! Our relationship proceeding the engagement took a turn for the worse. Nathan and I had no patience for each other. Nothing in our actions or demeanor would hint to a happily engaged couple looking to start a future together. We had the same issues but they were escalating to another level.
I felt like I was slowly being backed into a corner between a rock and a hard place. It was hard to leave but it was even harder to stay. At this point I barely had a relationship with my family or friends. They weren’t Nathans biggest fans, I wasn’t his biggest fan then either, and more importantly I wasn’t MY biggest fan while in this relationship. I had turned into someone impatient, cold, and even cruel at times. I was like a wild little animal, hard to tame. When this little wild animal got backed as far as she could into the corner there were only two choices: fight or flight.
I chose flight, I had finally snapped but in a good way. After almost four years I finally called it quits. It was the most liberating and scariest moment of my dating life. I don’t blame Nathan for the eventual demise of our relationship. A girl unlike any other takes responsibilities for her own actions. I know there were mistakes I made along the way too. I do not justify his actions in any way, shape or form. No woman or man should be in a relationship similar to mine. However, I do not intend to victimize myself and play the woe is me card. In retrospect I am very grateful for having Nathan in my life. I had to learn how to rebuild myself, and what happens when you have to rebuild something? It comes out stronger, better, and harder to break down.
Single life has agreed with me for the past year. I’ve had my highs and lows, bitter moments as well as hopeful moments. Follow the blog as I fill you in on my current dating life and also throw in stories from the past just so you, the reader can understand where I’ve been and where I’m headed. Being ‘A girl Unlike Any Other’ means not dwelling on the past but learning from it and using it to your advantage to begin building a strong foundation for what’s to come. I’m still here and I’m still hopeful!
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*Name has been changed for privacy.